someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
