1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
