I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
