I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
