You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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