I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Where is the hickey?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
