I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I can't put those talents on a resume
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
