I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
