i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
