i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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