I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
