when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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