Is it because I queefed?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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