Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
