sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
