yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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