New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize