She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
