I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
