I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
