Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
