I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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