Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
