Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize