yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
