HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
