2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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