just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
