Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
