she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
