Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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