plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
