The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
