twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
