I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
