I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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