Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
