i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
