If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
