For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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