Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
