I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
