I'm gonna have a badass scar
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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