he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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