im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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