One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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