my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
