i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize