Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
