I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
