from now on my penis is your penis
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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