too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
how drunk are you?
Several
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
