i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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