just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
