i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
