Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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